Avast ye land lubber spawn raiser!
If you’re like most parents, you long to raise your children as pirates but just don’t know how. In the Guide to Pirate Parenting, Cap’n Billy “The Butcher” MacDougall provides everything you need to know to turn your little powder monkeys into happy, healthy buccaneers. You'll learn:

  • At what age your child should be able to remove a bottle cap by taking out his glass eye and using his eye
  • Which offense requires administering The Flying Dutchman Wedgie
  • How to prevent sogging the quartermaster
  • The best place to maroon your disobedient child
  • How to remove chewing gum or a giant octopus from your child’s hair
  • The difference between plundering and pillaging
  • How to convert your minivan into a pirate schooner
  • When to smack your teenager in the side of the head with an oar

And best of all each information-packed section of the Guide to Pirate Parenting ends with “Your pirate’s progress,” a short quiz that shows whether your child is reaching his or her pirate development milestones.

If you follow the instructions in this book and your child does not become a pirate, Cap'n Billy will refund the purchase price of this book.*

"A brilliantly funny alternative to the usual hit and miss approach to raising children. I say let's give it a shot. The kids are turning out badly anyway."
-- Tony "Jumpy Cabin Boy" Cochran
nationally syndicated cartoonist of Agnes

"This book made me laugh so hard I had to wipe the tears from my eyes. Not a good thing when you have a hook."
-- "Fingerless Fred" Rubin
Producer of Night Court and Family Matters

"The funniest book I've read in years! If you're only going to buy one book about how to raise your kids as pirates, this should be it!"
-- Karyl "Cutthroat" Miller
Emmy Award winning sitcom writer, whose credits include The Cosby Show and The Mary Tyler Moore Show

"The only book a parent needs to turn his lily-livered land-lubbin’ lunkhead children into true pirates!  Arrgh!"
-- W. Bruce “Lumpy Socks” Cameron
Author of 8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter

"The funniest pyratical book I've ever had the pleasure to read."
-- Steve "The Black Fox" Kimball
Publisher, The Pyrates Way magazine

"A fine comic offering from a man who jus' might have tried out all the advice wid his own personal crew."
-- Pirates Magazine

"In the grand tradition of Dave Barry, Tim Bete has put together this alarmingly insightful book on how to raise your child to be a happy and self-sufficient pirate."
-- Rob Ossian, The Pirate Cove

"I loved Guide to Pirate Parenting! It’s as if Cap’n Billy was ripped from me own loins, which would explain that drafty feelin’ I get in me nethers."
-- Mark "Cap'n Slappy" Summers, co-author of Pirattitude! So You Wanna Be A Pirate? Here's How, and co-founder of Talk Like a Pirate Day

"Five stars: Not even the meanest of pirates will be able to keep a straight face!"
-- Cindy Vallar, Publisher Pirates and Privateers
Guide to Pirate Parenting

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall's
The hysterically funny parody of parenting advice books
A fascinating pirate story...
The Pirate Who Plundered the Search Engine by Firing Keywords at It
by Captain Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall

Once upon a time there was a pirate. He was a pirate of the Caribbean (also known as a pirates Caribbean or pirates of Caribbean or pirates of the Caribbean.) He was a funny pirate -- a pirate humor pirate. He was a real pirate and didn't wear a pirate costume. He sailed on a pirate ship in the pirates Caribbean. Sometimes he was a pirates of Caribbean online. He never wore pirate costumes. He was a real sea pirates. When he was confused, he was a puzzle pirates. On Halloween, he was a Halloween pirate. But he was always a pirate Caribbean who wore a pirate hat. One day, the pirate was invited to a pirate party at pirates cove to watch pirates movie -- Disney pirates. Before going to the pirate party, he buried his pirate treasure and put his treasure map on his pirate ships. The pirate party had a pirates theme. One person wore an adult pirate costume of a pirate captain. There was a pirate flag and a pirate Halloween costume. Even a pirates DVD about a pirate chest. The pirate movie was exciting and featured a pirate skull from a pirate wench. At the pirate birthday, the pirate was given some pirate boots made on pirate island. The pirate boots had a pirates ship on them. They were perfect to wear on a pirate adventure in search of pirate cake or pirate flags. The pirate had a pirate sword and a pirate treasure chest. He took his sword on pirates adventure to pirates island, where he found pirates treasure and a Disney pirate wearing a pirate boot. When he got to the pirate cove, there was a pirate cruise with pirate party supplies. The pirate queen wore lots of pirate gold. She was a sea pirate, of the Barbary pirates, and often sailed on a pirate boat, telling pirate jokes. She was a pirate of the Caribbean. The pirate queen had a pirate ship toy, a playmobil pirate ship. But she had never been on the poets and pirates tour. Once she was called a vixen pirate wench but she got over it. The she read a pirate book -- a pirate humor book. The main character was a pirate buccaneer who sought pirate coins with which to purchase pirate decor and pirate swords for the pirate ship. He had a pirate dog who had a pirate hook instead of a paw. He also had a pirate parrot who played pirate ship games, such as pirate treasure hunt. The pirate dog had many pirate party ideas, including a recipe for a pirate ship cake. Instead of bones, he chewed on pirate skulls and wore a pirate vest. Because he had paws, it was difficult for him to use pirate weapons but he could sleep in a pirates den. The pirate shouted, "pirate ahoy," as he recited pirate ship names and scratched his pirate ship tattoo. It was a pirate humor tatoo.

The end.

(c) 2010, Timothy P. Bete and Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Buy the print book
The paperback version of
Guide to Pirate Parenting
is available from ThinkGeek.com.
...into this!
Turn this...
Buy the print book
The paperback version of
Guide to Pirate Parenting
is available from ThinkGeek.com.

Get the FREE e-Book version
Cap'n Billy's Magic
Pieces-of-Eight Ball!
Cap'n Billy's Magic Pieces-of-Eight Ball will provide answers to all your questions. Whether you need to know, "Should I plunder that merchant vessel?" "Should I drink more rum?" or "Should I let my three-year-old play with gun powder?" all your answers are just a click away!
(1) Ask a question that begins, "Should I..."
(2) Click the button
(3) Follow Cap'n Billy's advice.
Cap'n Billy says...

* Please note, Cap'n Billy reserves the right to make refunds in salt cod in lieu of cash, not that he plans to give any refunds anyways.
Cap'n Billy's pirate schooner name generator!
You've converted your minivan into a pirate schooner, but you're not sure what to name it. Cap'n Billy's pirate schooner name generator is at your service!
Get your ship name now!
Top 10 reasons to raise
your children as pirates
(10) Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach him to be a pirate, and he’ll steal other people’s fish for a lifetime.

(9) Divvying up booty is good quality time with the kids.

(8) When other parents hear you’re raising your children as pirates, they’ll stop asking you to volunteer at school.

(7) It’s fun to watch the emergency room doctor’s reaction when you say your son was injured during “a little mishap boarding a merchant vessel that refused to surrender.”

(6) You’ve always preferred the title “Captain” to “Mommy” or “Daddy.”

(5) You can spend your kids’ college savings on more important things, like a trip to Las Vegas.

(4) Your children already smell like pirates, so the transition will be easy.

(3) The family that plunders together, stays together!

(2) Replacing “family movie night” with “family terrorizing the neighbors with cannons night” is a wonderful change of pace.

(1) Cap’n Billy wants you to do it—and the last person who didn’t do what Cap’n Billy asked was set adrift in a rowboat with only a day’s supply of water.

Top 10 traits that show your new baby has great potential to be a pirate

Top 10 malicious behaviors that are signs of a healthy young pirate

Top 10 things overheard at the dinner table
that show your child is quickly becoming a pirate

Top 10 signs your pirate is ready to venture out on his own

Plus nursery rhymes about...
* Pirate discipline          
* Pirate food
* Pirate health and safety
* Sailing on the high seas
* Pirate bedtimes